Team: start my career with the Oilers, end with the B’s
Uniform Number: 9, and I don’t care if it’s retired
Position: de
Nickname: O’D, Tizzle, Slut, Pinchers, Kateski, The Littlest Defenseman (to the media)
Dream Linemates: J-M Liles or Brad Stuart
Rounding out the PP: Joe Sakic, Ales Hemsky, and Ryan Smyth
Job: taking up ice time, supporting my partner when he decides to create offense, being there and not fucking up
Signature Move: pinching at the blue line, ramming my guy into the boards until I bounce off of him, falling when no one’s near me, checking my own teammates out of reflex
Strengths: passing, skating, not making MAB-esque errors
Weaknessess: shooting, scoring, fighting, doing anything worth taking notice of
Injury Problems? I’ll eventually lose so many brain cells from getting my head thrown into the boards that I’ll be a babbling idiot, but other than that I’ll be fine
Equipment: as little as humanly possible (most made out of tape 15 minutes before game time)
Nemesis: Mike Ribeiro (I’d give him a REAL reason to act hurt…or try), Alex Ovechkin (for no real reason)
Who I'd face in the Stanley Cup Finals: the heavily favored Buffalo Sabres, and I would succeed (for once) in wrecking Briere
What I'd do with the Stanley Cup after our victory: take naked pictures with it, Brad Stuart, and J-M Liles
Scandal Involvement: pictures leaked onto internet by insanely jealous Ales Hemsky
Would the media love me or hate me? They would have no idea who I was until the pictures got leaked, then claim on air that it's shocking and inappropriate. But that's not how they'd really feel.
There you have it- my future. My immediate future involves our game against Lexington and the girl I have to wreck. Wish me luck!
[And yes, that is a real picture of me. I'm number nine, of course- the one not fucking anything up but not doing anything particularly exciting.]
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